Tuesday, June 2, 2009

the best feeling in the whole world is knowing i proved them all wrong.

This was all previously handwritten on two pieces of paper (front and back) and all inspired by this PostSecret picture.

All that I've been through, the teasing and hatred in/of elementary school, the diseases and family death in middle school, and all the crazy stuff that happened in the four long years of high school, I am FINALLY happy with the person I've become. The girls that made fun of me are all mothers at 19 (but became mothers in high school), and I want to show them all that they have made me a stronger person. I don't take crap from anyone, and I certainly don't let people walk all over me like I did when I was 11. Not that any of those girls even give two hoots about me now anyway, because we were all just stupid kids. I certainly don't really care about them, or much about anyone else I went to school with other than the ones I still talk to, even if it isn't too often.

First of all, I am proud that I can embrace that I am tall and skinny. I'm not obsessed over gaining weight, but I still eat as much as ever... I am able to embrace my (lack of) figure and the fact that I don't have a single stretch mark on my body. I've also learned to embrace my big nose. It is unique, and I inherited it from my mom. No, I will never get a rhinoplasty, even if I could afford it.

I'm also very proud of my political standing. Obviously, I proudly display that I am liberal. I like knowing that I have a completely open mind and heart, (and sometimes mouth against strict conservatives) and that includes letting people marry someone of their own gender, if they choose to do so. California doesn't have the right to take marriage away from SOME of its citizens. (I'm not turning this into a political debate, I swear.)

Moving on. Gay marriage is something that hits close to home for me. As as LGBT myself, it's hard to hear when someone tells you that you can marry a man but not a woman. It's wrong. Liberty and justice for all, not just for straight people.

Being bisexual is another thing that has taken me a while to come to grips with. Even though I didn't know about bisexuality until I was in middle school (and when I did, it was a relief!) I always knew I was different. Yes, it's true. Gay people aren't lying. You don't know what it is, but you know you are "different." As I write this paragraph I'm watching the news...a gay military man is protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

As I've grown up, I never intended on telling anyone about my sexual orientation. I claimed that I was heterosexual, or I just wouldn't say anything at all. In third grade I thought that I might be a lesbian, only because I thought you could only go one way or the other. Even after I heard about bisexuality and began to realize that was "it", I still heard people around me trying to turn bisexuality into a myth, saying that "you can't like both." I vaguely remember a conversation between my mom and my sister, but all I really remember my sister saying was "You like one or the other. Not both." Obviously the conversation was not about me, but it still made me question, like I did for many years. I even once asked my mom in the car if she would care if she had a gay child. (I was in elementary school at the time) She of course replied, "No, what you do in your bedroom is your own business," a phrase I have taken and used many times. Unfortunately, I was never able to openly share with her that I am a bisexual, though she might have had an inkling. It wasn't until senior year of high school that I started telling people close (and some not so close) to me. Through a rocky relationship with an ex-boyfriend, I had to come out to him because I was tired of hiding. He was raised in a very conservative household, and it didn't go over well, and the relationship ended shortly after. I'm glad it happened though, because it allowed me to open up to the band and let them know what really happened between us. (Consequently the band was on my side and said, "Why did he freak out? It's not that big of a deal." [Even some conservatives said this.] And my ex was made out to be an asshole, which he was.)

Through telling my friends and select members of my family I've allowed myself to be more open, and it's great to know that I'm not hiding anything.

...Which I guess that's the moral of this story. I'm not hiding anything. My heritage, my past, my politics, my sexuality, my goals, opinions, beliefs... I'm not going to hide any of it. I'm pretty much an open book, and I'm enjoying it. Hopefully someday I'll be able to find a man or woman who can accept and appreciate the person I've become, because I finally have.

Of course, I wouldn't be who I am without my wonderful parents, who have helped me through so much in my life. We've had some rough times, but we've always made it through everything. My dad is the best, he allowed me to grow up and form my own opinions and to be my own person, which is the best gift a parent could ever give their child.

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